It's About Me

So my husband and I had a terrible fight. You know, one of those nasty married people fights where things are said that are the most hurtful they could be because number one, they come from the person you love, and number two, the person you love knows you better than anyone and knows just what to say to really hurt you. But while running around feeling all injured (that's my role you know, the one I set up, where he is the bad guy and I get to be injured?) I was struck with the thought "You're choosing this." What? I looked up at God, "I'm not choosing this, did you see what he did, did you see how mean he was, I didn't make him say those awful things". To my mind, quietly and powerfully came the words "You're choosing to be angry, you're choosing to let these actions minimize you, you're choosing to engage in these confrontations, and you're choosing because you delight in being right." Oh. That hurt. I delight in being right. Is that true? Well, I do get a lot of validation from being right. I'm the smart kid. The one with straight As. I like to be the star player at work, I like to be the good Mom. I do like being right.

What's wrong with being right? I mutter, still dealing with the fringes of anger and self-righteous indignation. (If you only knew what he said to me, you would be angry for me too! You too would be caught up in the lie that nice, innocent little me is being victimized by the big grouchy cowboy.) Just Stop! There are no victims here. I'm not some captive woman tied up in the corner bedroom and beaten at will. I am a grown functioning adult who chooses. And if I am perfectly honest with myself, I know that I chose that confrontation. I chose to be dramatic and sigh a lot to show how I knew better than he did. I chose to be angry at the first signs of his choosing a path other than the one I wanted taken. (Didn't he hear me sighing? Couldn't he tell that I was irritated with his choice?) I chose to stick around and listen after he popped a gasket. I chose it! Why! Why do I choose this?

I am praying now for the wisdom to choose appropriately. To save confrontation for times that are inspired by a desire to help my husband rather than a desire to show that I am right and he is wrong. I am trying to exude love and patience rather than stress and irritation. It is amazing how much what I put out impacts the energy in our home. My husband is human. He makes mistakes as do I. But he is not the villain in our scenario. He is just another player in our little scenes, and I have a choice about how I interact with him.